Relating to the Avos

Posted by Benjy Ginsberg

Because this is my first post, I thought it would be a little strange jumping in right in the middle of Sefer B’Reishis. The truth is, Parshas Toldos is a great place to start. It’s really where the story of the Jewish people gets rolling. Now we can focus on Avraham’s immediate descendants and what makes them so fascinating. We will see bitter sibling rivalry, wayward sons, and tense interfamily relationships. Even the immortal Avos had their own human frailties - and Parshas Toldos really introduces that concept.

It is interesting to note that all the Avos had difficulties with raising their children. Yishmael and Esav, especially, posed unique challenges. Today we might call them “children at risk.” Maybe we'd read a special issue of a mainstream Jewish periodical dealing with the on-going crisis, or even attend a round-table or two. The Avos had no such luxuries. They had to raise their children with their own instincts, and, of course, a good helping of Siyata Dishmaya. It is not surprising that the Avos tried different methods in raising their children. What’s more striking is the pattern that emerges throughout Sefer B’reishis.

When Yishmael exhibits behavioral problems, Avraham is forced to banish Yishmael from his home. Although this act was against Avraham’s nature, sending Yishmael away was for the best (B’reishis 21: 10-12). Yitzchak’s physical and spiritual wellbeing was more important, and warranted Yishmael’s eviction. But as valid as Yishmael’s expulsion was, it was not without consequences - both for Yishmael, who grew up to be a bandit, and for Yitzchak.

Yitzchok’s take on the Yishmael incident was contrary to his father’s. Yitzchak sees only the finished product, an evil Yishmael that might have been saved with different parenting techniques. So, when confronted with his own troubled child, Esav, he did the opposite of Avraham. Yitzchok showed Esav nothing but love. There would be no punishment for this wayward child. He has a gift for hunting? Let him use it for good, instead of robbing people

Yaakov, who grew up in this environment, clearly felt ignored by his father. Here he was, the good son, yet his father favored his brother instead! It is no surprise, then, when Yaakov has an exemplary son, like Yosef, he favors him. You can’t ignore the good child to favor the others.

But Yosef bore the brunt of his father’s methods, and suffered from the jealousy of his brothers. In turn, when Yosef brought his sons, Menashe and Ephraim, to be blessed by his father Yaakov, he was adamant about not showing any favoritism to his sons. Instead, he placed Menashe on Yaakov's right side, his rightful place as the older son.

We have, then, a pattern not unlike Newton’s second law of motion: for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Every method one generation tries, the next generation does the opposite. Now, we do this all the time. Any parent will tell you that 95% of the way they raise their children is either the same way they were raised or the exact opposite. But didn’t the Avos have better techniques?

It shouldn’t be surprising that the Avos acted this way. The Talmud in Sanhedrin (89a) asserts that “No two prophets relate their visions in the same manner.” Each prophet uses his own life experiences to construct a mechanism through which to interpret the word of G-d. And it is no different for relationships, whether they are parent-child, husband-and wife, or between siblings. This is, of course, a very human thing. But the Avos were not simple humans; their actions are magnified for us, so we can learn more about ourselves and the world around us. That way, we can improve our own relationships and come closer to G-d.